The Wheat Thins Incident
Have you ever been so damn tired that you really cannot and should not be held responsible for anything that comes out of your mouth? I am soooo very guilty of this when I get to my delirious and ridiculously exhausted stage. I’m pretty sure I possess the ability to carry on (albeit incoherent) conversation in the “awake” world while having a dream in the “sleep” world. I imagine it must be like watching an outgoing, attention-deficient, narcoleptic, multi-tasker fight with herself. (I SO want to keep talking and stuff but I also need to sleep – look, I can do both!)
Even though he has re-told this story himself, for the sake of anonymity, I will call the guy in this story “Trek”. Trek has been very encouraging and supportive of me starting a blog, so I told him last week that I thought the only obvious starter story for this would be the infamous “Wheat Thins” incident. He may hesitate admitting so, but he’s pretty pumped to be the first feature story, even if it is under the cloak of anonymity.
Trek and I had been dating for a couple months, and because of our schedules at the time, much of our quality time was later in the evening, usually just watching a movie with a glass of wine or something. Sounds boring, but it was very “us”. We never required constant going places and doing things to enjoy each other’s company. But I digress. Back to the story.
This particular evening, I was exhausted. We were watching a movie or TV or whatever, and I think I had probably had a glass of wine, which undoubtedly added to my sleepiness. So…Trek and I were on the couch, kissing. Eyes closed, of course.
Super tired + glass of wine + late at night + relaxed on the couch + kissing with my eyes closed = in the middle of kissing, I mumbled “wheat thins” – then went back to kissing as if that didn’t just happen.
In my defense, I wasn’t yet aware that it had actually happened. I was aware that I suddenly had a freaking SNACK CRACKER in my head, but was resting all comfy in the thought that it was just that – a thought. An inside-my-head THOUGHT.
Here’s where Trek gained infinity bonus points for going back to kissing me (for a second) after that, and not sending my crazy ass packing right then and there. I’m pretty sure the delay was the time it took for him to process what just happened. And process, he did.
Trek pulled back slightly and said (very kindly, I might add) “what did you just say?” – and then it hit me. NOT an inside-my-head thought. I just said that out loud.
My inner dialogue at that moment went a little something like this: “OH. MY. GOD. You are an idiot. Freaking WHEAT THINS?!? When was the last time you even BOUGHT or ATE a Wheat Thin?!? Nice knowing you, Trek. Remember the good times. I’ll show myself to the door, thanks.”
And with this realization, I instantly felt like an under-age juvenile who was stoned, had been consuming gallons of alcohol, and had just been approached by the police, the DEA, the FBI, my grandparents, my pastor, and a camera crew and was trying desperately to sober up at warp speed.
So naturally, I did the only thing I could at that moment. I buried my head in Trek’s chest and burst into cackling laughter. Tears streaming down my face, I tried several times to explain myself best I could. I tried to explain that earlier that day at work someone in the office was trying to remember the name of this snack cracker: “you know, not Triscuits, but the other…” and I offered up my wisdom “Oh, you mean Wheat Thins?” – By the way, that part NEVER happened. That was the little micro-dream I was having at the time of my now infamous utterance. But I only realized it was just a dream after questioning one of my friends at work.
I have to add (mostly as a self-esteem booster) that this incident was not the end of me and Trek. He kept me around a little while longer, and we are still great friends to this day. And we still share a laugh over this incident, and always will.
As timing would have it, there is now a Wheat Thins commercial on TV with Brian and Stewie from ‘Family Guy’. Brian is eating Wheat Thins and Stewie asks for some but Brian doesn’t like the way Stewie says “Wheat Thins”. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it on YouTube. And if you can ever watch that commercial, eat, or even look at Wheat Thins the same way after reading this story, you’re better than me. At the end of the commercial, it says “DO WHAT YOU DO.”
Yep. Works for me.