Mother. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Blogger. Aspiring writer. Smartass. Sometimes I say funny things.

When I’m in charge of Facebook…

As a life-long people watcher and mental note-taker, I am endlessly entertained by some of the crap people say and do on Facebook. However, I would like to make just a few little tweaks here and there – you know, keep it real, spice things up a bit, up the entertainment factor. This is just scratching the surface, but I would institute the following changes – pronto.

1. Everyone* will be limited to 3 posts per day – MAXIMUM.

This is being extremely generous. Some people should be limited to 3 per week or calendar month.

 {*I am exempt from this rule, because a) I have a lot of cool stuff to say, and b) I hypothetically run Facebook, I can do whatever I want.}

2. If you make 3 consecutive posts about all of your self-imposed drama/turmoil in your life or you‘re having a private argument in the most public of places, posting privileges are revoked for 1 week so you can cool your jets.

Deal with your personal stuff, personally – out of the public eye. The status update window says “What’s on Your Mind?” – NOT “Dear Diary…”

3. Posting between the hours of 1:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m. will be strictly prohibited.

Anything good going on between those hours should be kept to yourself. Everything else – you’ll regret in the morning.

4. There WILL be a dislike button. There will also be all of the following buttons:

  • Don’t care.
  • I call BS.
  • Liar
  • This was funnier the first time…when it was MY status.
  • I’m so vain, I really think this post is about me.
  • I like your status only because I like YOU but I’m a chicken and this is my way of flirting.
  • I like your status only because if I don’t, you’ll ask me why I didn’t.
  • I like your status only because I know you’ll ask me why I like it.
  • I only like this because someone else is going to see that I did.
  • That’s what she said.
  • I’m dumber after reading this status.
  • Thanks for looking like the a-hole for actually saying what everyone else is thinking.

5. Relationship statuses: There are currently 11 options. I would add the following:

For the men:

  • Emotionally stunted so this will never be serious, but I like (insert name) because she has boobies.
  • Rebounding like Rodman with (insert name)
  • (insert name)’s Sugar Daddy (and proud of it)
  • About to screw things up with (insert name) (wait – what?? How did this end up on the guys’ list??)
  • (Insert name)’s baby daddy

For the women:

  • In in for the money with (insert name)
  • (Insert name)’s mid-life crisis
  • (Insert name)’s baby mama

Single…with a twist:

  • One bad date away from switching teams*
  • Making single look GOOD*
  • A cougar on the prowl (would read like this: Susan is “a cougar on the prowl”)
  • Carefully selecting the next victim
  • Happily divorced*
  • Bringing sexy back*

(* = this may or may not describe me)

For anyone:

  • Because I didn’t get to in high school with (insert name)
  • Pretending with (insert name)
  • Flavor of the week is: (insert name)
  • Pissing off my parents with (insert name)
  • Using (insert name) to get back at my ex.
  • In it for the sex with (insert name)
  • Changing my relationship status way too soon with (insert name)
  • Having Casual Sex with (insert name) {probably followed by: and (insert name) and (insert name), etc.}
  • Disappointing my mother with (insert name)
  • Moving way too quickly with (insert name)
  • About to rush into something stupid with (insert name)
  • Home-wrecker to (insert name)
  • Making one bad decision after another with (insert name)
  • Lowering my standards with (insert name)
  • In a Relationship with (insert name) but secretly in love with (insert different name)
  • Admiring (insert name) from afar
  • Answering (insert name)’s booty calls – (probably multiple names here)
  • Calling (insert name) for booty – (same as above)
  • Fooling no one but myself with (insert name)

 6. I would also spice up the “sex” question. More than just male/female.

I would also add:

  • How Often?
  • With: (option to tag people) ß and watch the fur fly.

Oh. My. Gawd. I have schoolgirl giddiness just imagining this social utopia.

I could go all day with this. I can already tell this is a work in progress.

I’ll keep working on this one…may have enough for a volume 2. Would love to hear your suggestions for any of this too.

Thanks for reading. My next blog will be posted much sooner than this one was. (I’m a bit of a perfectionist) – that just might be the death of a baby blogger like me.


Ohhhh… almost forgot. Since we’re talking about Facebook… go there and “Like” the LastMandyStanding page!



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6 thoughts on “When I’m in charge of Facebook…

  1. Good stuff, Mandy!
    I’d like to suggest: fantasizing about (insert name) while spending my nights with (insert name.)


  2. Mandy re-blogged made my night. You are hilarious!


  3. Be careful what you blog. This type of stuff is an insight into how your mind works – only joking.
    Don’t worry about perfection too much. Remember you can Draft offline and/or keep Private, or Schedule for a later date. That way you can get some thoughts down and edit later. And you can also Edit after Publication, if you want add more. Short and simple is best, but hard to do.


  4. Think how much easier the CDC’s job of tracking STD outbreaks would be if you you had to put a dirty little red X on everyone’s page who you’ve slept with?

    Who you’ve slept with in common? Who ELSE they’ve slept with?

    Timeline…..Mike got herpes from Sarah, who had sex with Tony, Jason and Tom afterwards….in 2007! Ahhhhh!

    Good stuff M. Keep up the good work.


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