lastmandystanding

Mother. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Blogger. Aspiring writer. Smartass. But you'll probably still want to be my friend.

The “Houdini” – #1 of a multi-part series. (I’m totally calling you out, Mr. Magic Man)

Single ladies – beware of the Houdini – he wears many faces.

 

Single men – If this is you, KNOCK IT OFF.

 

This is the first in a series of introductions to the men that are out there in the dating pool. I’m sure there’s a female equivalent for most of these, but I don’t date them, so I can’t talk about them.  

 

I like to call this first guy “Houdini”.

 

This is the guy who starts out being super attentive, calling, texting, etc. He is blowing up your phone with all his contact.  Mr. Totally Into You.  You’ll have a few dates, maybe even several.  Things are really clicking with this guy.  If you’re like me, you’re (almost) cautiously optimistic at this point. By this time, you’ve likely become Facebook friends, but have kept it very casual. Your friends keep catching you with a bad case of perma-grin whenever you read one of his texts, etc.

(*note: this Houdini might also be someone you’ve known for a while but never really in a dating capacity, and he suggests the two of you should date and you actually buy into it)  

 

This is right about the time when (hesitantly) you start to tell friends and family about how great things are. “This guy is different”.  When someone asks if you’re seeing anyone, you probably answer with “well…kinda, sorta…maybe…?” You might even start psyching yourself up to the fact that there might actually be some potential here. You start envisioning lazy Sunday afternoons being spent together swinging in a hammock in the summer breeze, movie night, snuggled up with popcorn and your favorite candy (which he has memorized and sweetly keeps stashed for you at his place).

 

Just when you’ve got a little extra pep in your step, a little more wind in your sails, the corners of your mouth take a turn upward….

 

POOF!! – he disappears.

And you’re left feeling like an audience of one waiting for his mind-boggling re-appearance.

 

Here’s a little breakdown of how this plays out (at least for ME):

 

My first instincts are very motherly (and self-preserving): (“Oh my God – I hope he’s ok…what if he got in a wreck? I haven’t met his friends yet so no one would know to call and tell me! How would I know? Oh, I hope Mr. Wonderful is alright. It figures – I meet the perfect guy and now he’s dead.”) <– There’s the self-preservation. That’s the only logical explanation for someone to stop talking to me suddenly and without warning. Death. It’s the only thing that makes any kind of sense (and ultimately, perhaps the better alternative for him).

 

Then (if we’re friends on Facebook) — I see that dreaded post/comment/”like” —  or recent new friendship. With another female.  

 

Ok…he’s not dead. Mildly comforting, but it confuses me and pisses me off at the same time.

 

It makes sense now.  Is my freaking phone working?!? Maybe I look like the a-hole! Maybe he’s been texting me and I haven’t gotten them, so I haven’t replied, and he’s wondering the same thing! (Admittedly, I have called or texted my sister and said “text me” – to make sure I can send and receive one.)

 

Dammit. Phone works.

 

Because I’m female and have an impeccable memory, I replay the mental DVR that is everything I have said and done throughout the entire course of this pseudo-relationship. Sure, I’m a little bit crazy (good crazy). Every good chick is. But I haven’t even scratched that surface yet, so that’s not it. And I’m cool as $hit. Who wouldn’t want to talk to me?

 

The pep has left my step. The wind has left my sails. The corners of my mouth are no longer turned upward.

 

I fancy myself a very intuitive, insightful type.  I can detect BS-ery from a mile away. So when I am caught off-guard by such magic tricks, it really pisses me off.

 

For the sake of closure, of course I would like to know WHY.  I might even ask him WHY. — Nothing. No reply at all.

 

I will then inevitably (and rather quickly) reach the point of not giving a damn WHAT he has to say, and just wish he would find his testicles and the decency to just SAY IT. I would accept any of the following:

  • ·        I don’t like you.
  • ·        I really do like you but I’m scared of how I feel.
  • ·        I can’t stand you.
  • ·        You’re not skinny/pretty/rich enough.
  • ·        I found someone better.
  • ·        I just can’t see anyone right now.
  • ·        Go to hell, Mandy.
  • ·        I’m an immature a-hole.

 

My whole shock/denial/anger/acceptance/moving on to better things process is a few days, tops. Unless I really, REALLY like him…then I am allowed to re-visit every stage as often as I’d like.  

 

Unless and until the time that this magic man offers up some shred of an explanation – he will remain dead…just like the real Houdini.  But I am an extremely forgiving person. If an apology is offered, an apology I will accept.

 

Aside from the fact that people find this kind of behavior (with anyone) to be acceptable, the thing I find most interesting in all this, is that for every instance in which this has happened to me – the guy NEVER un-friends me on Facebook. Not once. And just to keep things interesting, I don’t usually un-friend them either. I relish in the moments when I can bask in the glory of being the bigger person.

 

I have since adopted a strict policy against dating magicians. I have also adopted the “it’s your loss” philosophy. I’ve shortened the shock/denial/anger/acceptance/moving on to better things process down to mere hours instead of days.

 

Ladies – there’s no real way to see this one coming. You just have to know how to deal with him. If he wants to disappear – LET HIM.

 

Guys – please know that if you do this, it really only makes you look cowardly and legitimately a little insane. You want to do some magic? Make us feel like the only woman in a crowded room of people.

 

 

 

 

 

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99 thoughts on “The “Houdini” – #1 of a multi-part series. (I’m totally calling you out, Mr. Magic Man)

  1. Oh how I wish I’d read this a couple of months ago!

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    • carpediemcarpediemcarpe@gmail.com on said:

      Very well written, I couldn’t have said any of this better it’s like you read my mind. This Just happened to me 2 weeks ago the same exact thing word by word detail by detail. It left me with a WTF! at first and later a Why? but I guess your right the Why, is not important.

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  2. There may be some Ghost-spiration in here for a reverse take on the issue.

    Nice work.

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  3. Reading this was like being in my own mind. Why the f do they keep us on Facebook. Though, I did post some great pics and hope he sees them. But if your gonna stop the communication, why not just delete the friendship? So frustrating!

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  4. W0w, exactly what I’ve experienced! Except, I see him again in person and he acts as if he didn’t just completely brush me – so damn frustrating!

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  5. Isabel on said:

    Im in that exactly situation right now! (as usual) the interesting thing is that it has happened to me quite often… like…. 80-90% of the time!!! somehow, when you’re pushing your 30’s and you have actually never had a genuine relationship you start wondering what the heck are you doing wrong!!! you start thinking: “although he’s attractive, he’s absolutely NOT out of my league!”, or “I AM out of his league (more atractive, smarter, richer, etc)”… and it even hurts more when you’re out of his league because YOU should be i his position and HE should be thinking endlessly about you!!! most of the time i play the detective and realize there’s another girl in the story… sometimes uglier, sometimes prettier, sometimes poorer… whatever… but removing the person from your facebook friends list is a hard because.. you actually just “dated” a couple of times, the “relationship” never was important enough to know each other’s family’s and friends… and if you click that UNfriend button… you will undeniably declare you’re the hurt one and the loser 😦

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    • I know you wrote this in 2012 but this literally just happened to me. He keeps pulling the disappearing act. I love the part about until he comes with an explanation, let him stay dead. I laughed so hard at that part. I needed to read this cause as of now…houdini can stay in his coffin and I’m letting it go. I might of made the mistake of hitting unfriend but he would just read my messages and not respond. That blew me! So I did what needed to be done…plays houdini on me way too much.

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  6. I loved this! Captured my thoughts exactly & helped a lot. Thanks for writing this<3

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  7. Brilliant. you summed this type of thing up beautifully well. could have been lifted straight from my mind in fact. Forgiveness is fine but remember it does not necessarily mean you have to keep a person within your precious and short little life. I have had this kind of experience only a couple of times and it tends to be people who i wasn’t in to at first that i grew to like… my theory is THRILL OF THE CHASE and then…meh. xxx

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  8. Lydia on said:

    Oh my goodness, I haven’t laughed so hard in a while. Mostly because this situation just happened to me and every single thing you said about how we respond is TRUE!! Well put, you know what you are talking about for sure lol

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  9. lara on said:

    omg 😦 im getting through the same thing right now.. i cant explain how hard i cried and tried to survive. he did it in my final exams period and damn this is the most important period in my education and what he did to me was extremely cruel and selfish. he stopped texting me calling me etc but he did it after the night that he introduced me to his friends and i introduced him to my friends. everything was perfect and i was flying. so bad. after he cutted the connection i thought he s gonna unfriend me and unfollow me but somehow after a week he retweeted two of my tweets and liked my picture on instagram. but now he likes too many girls’ pics on instagram and they are like.. you know.. bitches. anyways, i still ask myself if he ever comes back? if one day maybe he ll text back to me and want to drink a coffee, maybe for an explanation. i ll probably forgive him because i dont care anymore. i suffered so much and ive been so down i ll probably fail three of my courses because of him, he destroyed me, really. i dont know is it his loss or not, but probably he cant find anyone like me, i mean financially. he can find much beautiful girls, for sure, maybe he likes skinnier girls maybe im not his type.. my friend told me that this kind of guys look for some material things when it comes to marriage or a serious relationship..

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  10. aloha_dana on said:

    i agree with this completely. i guess the intial feelings is really “what happenend?”
    i am dealing with this now. great guy, several great dates and conversations and plans, then poof. some guys realize in that time of their life, maybe it is timing, maybe its fears, maybe inadequacy which i heard from my recent poof-er. if someone truly cares about you, they will try to keep you and not lose it..granted some situations may not allow, then all i need is a mere, maybe it just isnt the right time..but just letting things die a slow death is not nice and only selfish.

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  11. Ughh , I’m in this exact situation but the guy keeps coming back I got over him a few days after the first time he dissapeared and then he apologized and was great again then he dissapeared AGAIN and then apologized and tried to start things back up months later so we had an argument and I told him to stay out of my life and now he’s back apologizing. I really want to be with him when he acts great but every time I give him a chance he just shows he hasn’t changed I just don’t get why he dissapears in the first place only to try and get me back later and now I’m having a hard time getting over him because he won’t stop calling me

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    • You know what they say… Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
      I speak from a wealth of experience when I say kick him to the curb. He’s standing in the way of someone much better who’s trying to come along. 😉

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  12. You’re amazing. All those messed up, jumbled thoughts I’ve had….well you put them in order. Glad I’m not crazy.

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  13. Angela on said:

    The exact same thing happened to me on 6 July 2012. I remember the day so well. Our last conversation. Then boom. Gone. More than a year later, I’m still crying. When I do see him, he ignores me/avoids me. I want to thank you for encapsulating your experience (our experience) so well. If only he gave me my closure. It’s the not knowing that’s soul destroying.

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  14. Angela on said:

    The exact same thing happened to me on 6 July 2012. I remember the day so well. Our last conversation. Then boom. Gone. More than a year later, I’m still crying. When I do see him, he ignores me/avoids me. I want to thank you for encapsulating your experience (our experience) so well. If only he gave me my closure. It’s the not knowing that’s soul destroying. If only people like this know how their actions affect other people.

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  15. fatima on said:

    WOW ! exactly how i feel , you just spoke my mind. this guy is been doing this to me for a damn year!!! we are co workers and we were only frnds for a good 2 years, things change after that and we start liking each other. he led me on, and i was under the impression we’re on the same page until he disappeared one day . i went nuts, i was going crazy but he wouldn’t talk to me at all even during work. i went thru the whole thing starting from denial/anger/ … moving . and once i let him go, and deep down inside i accepted his weird exit he comes back around. and since i felt rejected, his come back made me feel really good about my self so i took him back cuz i honestly thought that he wouldn’t repeat him self again cuz thats just childish. and BAAAAAM i didn’t see it coming but he disappeared again. LOL its soo funny how Mr. weirdo never gets bored of his game. anyways he kept doing that for 10 months. back and forth i just ignored him completely. he would text me and i would never answer, and then he started calling me. this guy never used to call and all of a sudden he’s blowing up my phone. I ignored the phone call, i saw him at work the next day and just passed by him like he doesn’t even exist. he kept texting me and for some reason he actually told me that he has strong feelings for me and he was texting me 24/7 for 2 months. at that point i was kinda feeling super safe and i got really comfortable when he did it again. LOL he just decides not to answer and if he does its a small one dry word. so i was like you know what, fuck it ! I’m out .. i didn’t give him any attention and as I’m writing this he just texted me sayin “sup Bud”!! LOL how funny! now he wants to talk! but guess what i don’t want to. Ladies, LOVE is a plant if you water it with your tears, it will die. we keep holding on to that guy just bcuz he rejected us, once he gives you the attention you need and you get to know his personality, you might have second thoughts about him, you will actually realize that he’s not a good fit for you! i’ve been thru this and i know exactly how hard it is. bottom line and i read this quote online, never chase a train a bus or a MAN!! one leaves, another arrives. look around you, be happy and forget about Mr. weirdo who doesn’t wanna grow up and be a man, he’s just a male .. NOT a MAN!!

    Now, when he comes back around, he’s kinda testing you . he just wants to see if you’ll answer him or not, that’s when you actually have power. now don’t answer him and i will guarantee you he will keep texting you cuz you got his attention! after that you could say “Hey!” and he will prolly ask you something and you DONT ANSWER back LOL .. let him have a taste of his own shit! it will make you feel stronger, you will prolly be like EEEH who cares, and he will chase after you for a little while. guys don’t love attention! the more attention they get the less attention you’ll get. plus if he does this move on you twice, know for a damn fact that’s not the end of it. BE STRONG, that’s how you will get what you want, don’t chase after HIM, he wan’t to leave, let him .. he will come back around when he feels that he never got a REACTION from you.

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  16. Thank you. You are funny and exactly right.

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  17. Blisss2013 on said:

    Oh my God – am going through the same thing! Haven’t heard from this guy in 3 weeks now and was planning on texting him this week to meet him for a drink and figure out what is up with him! But sounds like I should NOT do that!
    3 great dates, added on Facebook, then silence and he blocked me from seeing his Friends on FB and is online a lot on the dating site I met him. Funny, I actually thought this guy was decent/sweet!
    Anyone know WHY they do this?? I have a feeling mine is insecure and not confident enough to believe I might actually like him…?

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    • I think I need to lay off giving any advice on this whatsoever, because this just happened to me after a 19-MONTH relationship. Clearly there is no limit to the fear and idiocy of a man and his ability to bail without any explanation, without regard to the involvement of families, children, etc. I will stand by what I learned even BEFORE kindergarten: BOYS ARE STUPID. I know us women get a bad rap for loving drama, but I have yet to meet any woman who can top the shit I’ve seen from grown-ass men.

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  18. Omg this same exact thing happend to me and literally hate the guy now. -_-

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  19. It’s so nice reading something like this that I literally could of written. It’s not me and I’m not insane!

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  20. This is all I’ve ever known. 24 and never had a single boyfriend yet. I feel cursed and worthless. They have no idea how damaging their ‘Houdini’ behavior has been to me

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  21. sweetsally on said:

    You girl, are so right. SO needed to read this! I have no idea why they do this! They captivate you and then apparate! (Harry Potter reference). I am SO done. I’d like to place an order for a sexually open gay best friend and an invitro treatment please.

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  22. Michele on said:

    Thanks for posting that… It made me feel 100 times better…. It is exactly what I am going through st this very moment 😦

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  23. Glad to have stumbled onto this piece – I am going through this right now and every word you said resonates with me (including the “I-could-smell-BSery-but-still-fell-for-the-stupid-disappearing-act” thing). I’ll follow your lead and try to reduce the time am spending being miserable about Mr. Houdini.

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  24. This article is spot on. Remember ladies, it IS their loss. And when he comes back (sometimes they do), inhale and say No. Have enough respect for yourself. If he did it once and hurt you, he will do it again – he’s not deserving. Really. What kind of person abandons the good emotional feelings they help create.

    Nope – feel free to cry a bit, wonder why, even ask him why, then let it go.

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    • Of all my blog posts, this one has the most comments and activity of any of them. What does that tell us, ladies???

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      • It says that some (and please be fair, it’s SOME) men can be cruel and immature. It says that some men can be unfeeling. It means that before we enter a relationship, we must be sure of who we are and what we want. Or we must be a beautiful work in progress. It means that instead of saying yes to the things we know may not benefit us or be good for us – we need to say no.

        It also means that there is a lot of hurt out there. And a lot of women seeking to get over it. It’s a good thing that some women are willing to share. This way, we all can heal. It gives us a chance to reflect. Because, as we can unfortunately note, hind sight is 20/20.

        It also, though, represents a chance for growth, new beginnings, fresh outlooks and great adventures. We must be able to learn from each failure and be so firm in the love for self that we can move on. To be held back can eat a soul. So, remember the joys and laughter and store those. Release the hurt, disappointment and confusion and realise that there was something to learn. Sometimes we spend so much time and energy mourning, we miss the lesson.

        Then when you find the lesson, and have given yourself an appropriate time to heal, go forth stronger and more confident. Be ready to embrace something new with eyes wide open. Don’t let these set backs make you bitter and wary and a pessimist.

        Summarily, it tells us that the universe knew we could do better.

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    • For the very first time in my life, I am going through this w/a man who was a kind, supportive friend. We began a romantic relationship w/out sex and bc we are both single parents, we agreed to take it slow. Literally overnight, we went from cuddling and making plans that he came up with for going away with the kids, to no contact (it’s been a week)! I am perplexed, sad and disillusioned, to say the least, but this blog and the following comment has given me clarity: What kind of person abandons the good emotional feelings they help create.” U less he’s in a hospital bed w/out a phone or the use of at least one hand, there is no valid explanation and I take his actions as closure of our friendship and any potential relationship with me! Thank you for sharing your hearts 🙂

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    • Breaking on said:

      Just wanted to say that your comments on this article are truthful, helpful and beautiful lol. It really makes you realize that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and to move on past heartbreak and bad experiences from men. Thank you:)

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  25. Oh my goodness this made me laugh while I’m crying!! This is just SPOT ON and makes me feel a tiny bit better. But not much, worried for the millionth time in my life that I will never find love again, he was The One, there’s no one better there’s no one greater. Thank you for this though this was just the bright spark my day needed.

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  26. l_lawliz on said:

    Wow this is absolutely the most truest thing I have read. It is EXACTLY what I am going through right now and it goes through my mind so many times and drives me absolutely crazy. I am glad that I am able to read others experiences and compare it to my own and it helps that I am not the only one (not glad that we have had the common case of houdini but you get what I am saying). Boys are stupid and we woman just cannot get the right one can we?

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  27. Natalia Olave on said:

    I am so glad I found this blog!! I am going through this right now! I meet a guy, we went out twice and had a super fun time. We made plans and he bailed last minute with no explanation; just “I can’t get away”. I asked what was up and nothing!! For a whole TWO WEEKS. And then I get a text; “I would like to hang out again”. He didn’t give a reason for where he was or why he disappeared. Then, he invites me to a house party with his friends, we sleep together, and he calls me the next day. We hang out this past Wednesday and now he has vanished again!! He won’t respond to my text messages and I feel rotten. I really liked him and just don’t understand. 😦

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    • STOP TEXTING AND/OR CALLING HIM! If you stop doing that, I guarantee he will contact you. And here’s the catch – when he does, don’t reply. Because you will fall right back into the same situation. When he comes calling for YOU, that is when YOU have the power to say “It’s not ok to treat me this way.” — and you’ll be stronger for it. ♡

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  28. This just happened to me…men are cowards…what a joke! Loved your post

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  29. p3bbl3z123 on said:

    Wondering if this has just happened to me..

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  30. You are a fantastic writer and it’s comforting to know that other women who have gone through this crappy experience get over it. The rational and logical voice in my head continuously tells me how fabulous I am, but the hurt and confusion is still palpable. However, this post is definitely speeding up the healing process. Thank you for this.

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  31. Charlotte on said:

    It’s so comforting to read this! I’m not a crazy man repellent after all!! 100% spot on!
    In the space of 9 years I am yet to meet a man that hasen’t done this to me! Word for word it always plays out the same!
    One of the worst cases was with an ex colleague, he literally ducked behind a wall to avoid me… I had my fun telling everyone at work what a coward he was though and a few months down the line he text me to apologise, I ignored him 🙂 felt so powerful!
    I’ve even tried learning from my supposed mistakes by playing it extra cool, leaving them hanging a bit, never works! Men do what they want and unfortunately for us women we somehow manage to let them! I don’t know what the answer is but I hope for my own and all you other lady’s sakes there are still some honest decent men out there! (I’ve been told they exist!)
    If all else fails I’ll get some cats and live happily ever after in my crazy cat lady world!

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  32. This happened to me recently to. You pretty much nailed exactly everything I thought and felt when a guy did this to me a couple months ago. I still haven’t got because I really liked him and it is almost impossible for me to find a guy that made me feel the way he did. I didn’t get my hopes up when we were talking but I couldn’t help feeling optimistic about it and finally take a risk. I have trust issues and I always have my guard up, so when he suddenly stopped talking to me without explanation I was pissed and still am. Frustrated because I let him fool me and frustrated because I thought he was different because in the way he spoke he was so intelligent and philosophical I couldn’t image that underneath it all he was a coward and no different from anyone else. I ran into him again because it will be inevitable and he was visibly uncomfortable around me and acting weird and everyone noticed it. He even went so far as to put his hood over his head and announce he was hiding. I did my best to ignore him but I couldn’t help see him look over at me the entire night. And now I bring this up because I will be seeing him tomorrow. Why are people so sick? Why would he act like that? The only mistake I made was liking him and this is how he treats me because I like him? What a prick. I don’t even care if he still likes me and stopped talking to me out of his own insecurity which seems to be what happened. Sorry I really needed to vent haha. Thanks for the article it’s good to know I’m not alone in this situation.

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  33. This just happened to me and I can’t understand it.

    He told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship from day 1, reconciling a recent breakup and bipolar. Drinking a lot. I understood and we took it slow – HE set the faster pace and freaked the heck out.

    He said I was so special, he had the most fun he’d ever had with a girl, 5 hour phone calls, paintings, mixtapes. The night he ended it he said “you’re perfect and i am too f**ked up”. He didn’t want me to wait because he can’t help jumping in when he sees me. I said we can cool off and start again later.

    A month of zero contact later he texts me, I respond and then I get one word answers like I’m bothering him. He’s moving interstate all of a sudden and couldn’t muster more than “:(” when I told him not to initiate conversation with me because he’s made it clear he’s not ready. I then get “I can’t deal with who I am and how I feel”.

    I don’t get how I screwed this up so badly. A connection like we had is so rare – mine was housed in a depressive Houdini who I can’t even get to like me back. Wow.

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  34. Christy on said:

    Wow here I thought this has only happened to me lol.. Well guess I got my answer cause he sure in the heck wont give one.. At first he said “too busy to talk” or would get “bad mood do not want to talk”.. Or just no reason at all total Ignore you thing.. I was driving myself crazy!! But then I came back down after about. 2 months of feeling like a fool.. No wonder he never had a girlfriend before me? Guess thats how he does all of them? Oh well just waiting for Karma lol

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  35. How do you contact someone who disappeared on you without showing hurt or any related emotion in your message? I am having troubles to let go. I don’t even know why. It has been almost 3 months…I believe he played with me since day one, then got what he wanted, then wanted it again and did not get it, so he disappeared. When I asked if he is mad at me for something, he replied ” I promise I am not mad”. Nothing else. I wish he would say a reason for sudden change. It is funny how often he used words “promise” and “sorry”. I have never met someone before who used those two so frequently. Anyway, how do you contact Houdini? What do you say? Just like you, he keeps me on Facebook but I see nothing new except his adding of somehow trashy or sexy looking female friends. 🙂

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    • Easy — YOU DON’T. Do not contact him. If he wants to walk away, LET HIM. And move on. There’s a great saying: If you want to be in my life, my door is open. If you want to leave, there’s the door. Just don’t stand in the doorway, because you’re blocking traffic. Right now, he’s standing in your doorway. Kick his ass out of the way. I suggest YOU unfriend HIM. It’s only torturing YOU. Take the control back, and if he contacts you, you are under no obligation to reply. ♡

      Like

      • Thank you for your answer. He actually started talk to me again. Nothing special, just saying how much he loves my profile pic. He talked to me as if he did not ignore me for months. He said “I miss you” and I thought -yeah right…I asked if I offended him somehow those 3 months ago and he said, that I did not and I was sweet as always. He said he was confused about what I wanted. He could say so, but instead of that he just stopped talking to me. After this short chat, he got back to me one week later with “I miss you” again. When I tried to talk to him, he did not even bother to ask about me. I don’t get why he starts conversation when he does not want to keep it. Fool me once…. So shame on me! So confused here…

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      • If I were you, I would stop asking if (implying) you did anything wrong or offensive. HE is the one who stopped communication. Don’t place unnecessary blame where it doesn’t belong. I say move along to the next one or to no one, but I sure wouldn’t play his games anymore.

        Like

  36. As with everyone else on this site- this is happening to me right now too- 10 months of talking every day- sharing stories, dreams etc. One week he is wanting me to be his girlfriend, will do anything to make this work, wanting to plan a trip to meet his parents- then the next day NOTHING. 3 days. A few ” I will call you later” texts, with no call. If it was fear of commitment- I certainly wasn’t pressuring? I sent 1 email and 1 vm explaining how that I deserve better but that he should respect me enough to offer an explanation-and still nothing. You were spot on. From the fearing death part to the “borderline crazy” part. I defriended him from FB and as hard as it is to move forward- I have faith that there is better out there. No excuse is good enough now. F that dude. Thank all of you for sharing. It helps to talk about.

    Like

  37. Veronica on said:

    I feel like I just read my mind cx I’m going through this situation at this moment. We weren’t anything serious I wasn’t that into him but it’s just the fact that I’m out if his lead & he just randomly stopped talking to me like it was nothing to him he doesn’t even acknowledge me when we pass by each other it’s driving me crazy

    Like

  38. Oh god after reading this it has helped me so much knowing others like myself have been through this same thing.

    We started off real friends like we knew eachother our whole lives, we met off a website and exchanged numbers, from that point we started face timing and calling and texting non stop we were inseparable. For a month and a half we were non stop no fights no arguing no NOTHING. Just pure falling in love. He promised he would never hurt me on multiple occasions and always was there when I need him. Then one day he’s in class and tells me he has 2 college exams that day and how he can’t wait till after class to be with me. So after school I text him once then twice in a 4 hr period then again and nothing poof he’s gone with no notice. It killed me inside with depression it still hurts and made me crazy I ended up seeing him online in a chat room where we met and still no response to why he left no replys and no reguard for what he did to me. Glad you posted this it makes me feel so
    Much better knowing I’m not the only one out there this has happened to

    Like

  39. Thank God I found this. I’ve been talking to this guy for like 4 weeks, and in the begining he was the cutest guy ever. He used to call me, we went in 6 dates but sunddenly he just stoped talking to em and ignoring me. I went to talk to him to see what did I do wrong but he was like “nothing. everything is ok” and then he disappeared. I’m really sad and pissed of right now but there’s nothing that I can do. Boys are so stupid…

    Like

  40. heather on said:

    This is soooo me right now and I have been a mess. Abruptly I don’t get text or calls and if I text, he doesn’t respond. I am so broken hearted and cant stop crying. I don’t understand. As of a couple days ago he said his feelings haven’t changed and he was still introducing me as his girlfriend. Now he tells me he is so busy and I know he is going through a lot but that hasn’t stopped a call or text before. Hell, it only takes a few seconds to say, hey thinking of you. I don’t understand and feel horrible. I don’t bother to text anymore. Why should I, he wont respond.

    Like

  41. Piya on said:

    Felt like reading my own story….
    Its all right given here….

    Like

  42. I am a recent victim of the “Houdini” act. We spoke last Tuesday, he said good night and I never heard from him again. I called local hospitals thinking something happened to him. We didn’t fight or anything. After 11 months together, I can’t believe he would cut me off like this. A friend of mine who claims that she is a psychic told me that he is with someone else and that he thinks that I cheated on him. I apologize that I am blabbing here. I am helpless trying to figure out what I did. Please help

    Like

    • I’m so sorry — I don’t know what happened but I just saw your comment, or I would’ve replied sooner. Hopefully things have gotten better for you and your situation. But if he would hook up with someone else after 11 months without speaking to you, because he THOUGHT you cheated on him, then I say good riddance.

      Like

  43. Crystal on said:

    Oh my God! I’m so happy I stumbled upon your site. I literally googled ‘he stopped talking to me for no reason’ only to find I’m not the only woman who had/has met magicians. It makes me feel good in a weird way. Haha. Well, this just happened to me like a week ago. He ignited the fire- would call me, text me, say great things that churned my stomach, leave soft kisses; then poof! He disappeared. Just like that. I texted him, but as expected, never received a reply. I was and still am upset about it. And although I feel like a jackass for taking him to my house and introducing him to my family and giving him too much attention than he deserved, I also feel great cause I know I did no wrong. Call it self-comforting. However, what pisses me off is the fact that his friends (who are friends with my friends..Yup, we have a lot of mutual friends) think he is an “amazing person”. Oh yeah, he’s charming alright, but he’s one of those males who hasn’t attained full maturity and probably doesn’t know what courtesy is. I admit I hate it that I do think about him at times, but Thank God, I’m not in love with him. I’m not the vengeful type but I do reconsider my thoughts at times. Ive alerted a friend so I’m waiting for the magic to happen ;).
    Thanks for the lovely post. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I feel so damn good now.

    Cheers,

    Like

  44. Sassysally on said:

    Yes!!!!!!! Urgh these boys D: and their magic tricks.

    (I love the way you write! <3)

    Like

  45. Sophie S. on said:

    Haha, this happened to me very recently. It is scary your story is so similar to mine. Why do guys do that? I try to understand the motive and could not find any explanations. I think at some point, I just accepted the fact that I will never know the “why”. On the other hand, will it make any difference if I know why he phased me out? I guess as time goes, the desire to know that answer will become less and less, especially if I find someone else. One trick I used to quickly get him out of my mind is to think all the negative stuff about him – he is fat, he is clinically depressed, he is working at a job with no pay, he couldn’t pass that board exam for two years, he probably will die early because he is so fat. Then, I go to his FB page again, I found his face looks hideous and I already feel better. 🙂

    Like

  46. Samantha jones on said:

    This just happened to me exactly how it said … it hurts inside and it really suck to know guys are douch bags …. I’m so angry

    Like

  47. Diana on said:

    Oh my! Thank you for this article. I don’t understand why they do this. I moved to a new state 6 months ago and it has happened to me twice. The first one, i did’t really care. The 2nd was so surprising. Funny thing is, i never liked him that way. Smh. I’m still contemplating on deleting him from my IG. I’ve been fighting back the urge to send him a very pissed off text, and then deleting him (on his birthday)

    Like

  48. This is me right now. I feel like I wrote this! I’m so baffled I even googled “when a guy stops talking to you”. I’ve been seeing someone for about two months, everything was completely normal until this past Monday. Haven’t heard from him since, today’s Saturday. Doesn’t seem like a long time, but it’s out of our norm. Just trying to put on my big girl undies and take it like a champ. I’m more annoyed than anything that he couldn’t just say he isn’t into me anymore if that’s the case, or if he’s legitimately busy with something or something is wrong why couldn’t he just let me know? Enjoyed the article!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Glad you enjoyed the article, but sorry this happened to you. I can assure you, without even knowing you, that you are 100% better off without him. Anyone who would do that to someone is not worth knowing. Here’s hoping you get some closure and peace soon! Hang in there!

      Like

  49. Samantha J. on said:

    I have a question for you – loved this article. I met a guy at my job and we started seeing each other for about a month (I left NY this weekend for a different job and will be back in about a year). So we both knew that I was leaving in the first place when we started seeing each other.

    We got along so well and I honestly had such an amazing month with him. Since we were both busy with work, we saw each other about 4-5 times after work and then one dinner date near the end. We only slept together once and I knew he wasn’t seeing anybody else…but I guess I was so concerned with making sure he wasn’t the typical douchey guy I didn’t ever consider he could be a Houdini type.

    The week I was leaving, that Wednesday night he was at work late but we texted all night saying he missed me and wished he could see me. Thursday night I went out with friends so I didn’t see him…and then come Friday night my last night in New York, not one text….:/

    I knew we would realistically only keep in touch for a week or two after I left because this was a very short relationship, but I can’t believe he wouldn’t have the decency to say goodbye or want to see me, especially knowing I wouldn’t see him for so long after. When only a day ago we were texting and everything was normal.

    I guess my question is…does him disappearing the night I left invalidate everything we had that past month? I just honestly thought we both liked each other so much. Basically aside from his pulling this Houdini act leaving, he couldn’t have been better. He really did make me feel like the only woman in the room when we were together haha. Do you think he was just playing me the whole time? Or actually did like me as much and just disappeared because I was leaving and didn’t care enough to be respectful/normal…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think only YOU can invalidate the time you shared with him. Regardless of how he ended it, if you enjoyed the time you shared, then you keep that memory. I am NOT defending him, but for some reason, my gut is telling me that his reason for not contacting you on your last night is coming more from a place of “we only dated a little while, she’s leaving, I don’t wanna seem too clingy, she’s probably busy packing or with her friends, etc.” Did he handle it correctly and maturely? No. That’s clear. But I would just appreciate the time you had, know that you aren’t to blame here, and put it away. Who knows? You may hear from him again someday. Or you may run into him when you return next year. Just don’t let his actions devalue your memory of the short time you had together. 😊

      Like

      • Samantha J. on said:

        Thanks! Yeah I feel like if he disappeared on me while I was still in New York that would 100% be asshole-like behavior. I guess if he had plans or was busy doing whatever who knows…because there have been nights where we won’t talk if he’s with friends or if he’s just too tired after work to come over. But doing that on my last night was probably just “Oh I can’t see her and she’s leaving anyways oh well” behavior. Boys are stupid hah

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yep. I think you’re exactly right. Men just DO NOT think the way women do. Period.

        Like

      • Samantha J. on said:

        I’m actually back in town seeing a friend tonight…is it worth reaching out? He made it clear he didn’t want to say bye and actually didn’t even reply to my work email (I sent out a bunch of customary thank you emails to everybody in the office I worked with). I can’t tell if it’s too desperate or just being a bigger person because he’s clearly immature even in his 30’s.

        Like

      • I would not reach out at this point, but that’s your call. You know him; I don’t. Not because it would seem like desperation, but because you’re in town briefly, have plans with a friend, and he’s blown you off twice now. I just don’t think I’d expend any more energy on him right now. When you’re back on a permanent basis and your paths cross again…maybe. But I’d leave it as is now. You’ve been an adult about it. Now it’s his turn. 😊

        Like

  50. Sad to hear there are so many Houdinis out there 😦 I’d known this guy a year, we got on incredibly well, he gave me his number at Christmas and we’d been texting ever since. I ended up confessing how I felt as there was no progress. He told me he liked me too but not in a position to commit, so we stayed just friends (which was better than nothing) and we carried on texting, sometimes till 3am and he was always really supportive. Then one day about 2 months ago he texted and I told him I was upset and totally out of character he told me to text him when I felt better. 3 weeks later I bumped into him and we agreed we were still friends, but he’s been quite cold since, hasn’t responded to the only text I sent him, and even totally avoided me last time we were both in the same place at the same time! Just don’t get it! It’s his friendship I really miss, as there was nothing else happening anyway!! Going through a bad time and losing him too is very hard 😦

    Like

  51. Breaking on said:

    Loved this, and I have to say that I recently dealt with a guy suddenly ignoring me after about 6 weeks of communication. He called me Wednesday, started ignoring me Thursday, of course I started thinking that maybe something was wrong or had happened to him, nope, I actually found out Friday that he was fine and had just started ignoring me for whatever reason. I really liked him, and this was the first time anything like this had ever happened to me, so I started feeling very confused about the whole situation and sad, I was never upset. The last time I heard from him was about 6 weeks ago, I broke down and texted him again yesterday, still no response, so I officially have to try and forget about everything and move on, he obviously has. It just hurts to spend time with a person, talk to them a lot, start to really like them and they do something like this to you, if anything you just want answers, an explanation, not silence. Yeah, I know he probably just lost interest or whatever, but whatever the reason you decided to cut me off just say something to me. Goes to show his character and what type of man he is.

    Like

    • I am continually amazed by the response this piece continues to receive. More than any other post I’ve written. Nearly 80 comments from random women around the world…has to make you shake you wonder just what they are ALL thinking. I just don’t get the lack of common courtesy. That’s what I find the most aggravating. Not caring so much the reason (after a certain point), just wanting some sort of closure. Definitely a reflection of his character, and I would have to assume you’ll be the better for it.

      Like

      • Breaking on said:

        Exactly. I just do not understand why they think it’s ok to treat someone like this, it’s crazy to me. With my guy I told him to just always be honest with me and let me know if he was ever losing interest or feeling differently about us, to just never go silent on me, and he did exactly that. Thing that blows my mind is he called me Tuesday and I asked him if he was losing interest in me because our communication was not as strong as it used to be, his exact words were “Do you think I would still be calling you if I lost interest?” Crazy that he was still calling me right? I mean why still call my phone and act as if you still like me, then start to ignore me and all my messages to you? We even made plans to hang out again and catch a movie on the weekend, never happened. Any opinions on why he would lead me on like that and just start ignoring me completely? I even sent him several texts just telling him to be honest with me, I want to end things on good terms with each other, I need closure and I just need to hear something from him… not a word. His silence is driving me a little crazy honestly lol, I want to just let it go and get over it but I still think about him sometimes and I want to hear something from him but he will not say a word anymore to me! What could cause this kind of behavior? 🙁😓

        Like

      • What would cause this? Umm…narcissism, rudeness, conceit, fright, spontaneous loss of testicles, etc. I would honestly stop trying to figure it out. Because you never will. I would put this one down as a lesson learned (lesson being that sometimes people are f*cking nuts and rude) and wipe your hands of it. Not your problem. Not your issue to figure out. It was NOT YOU. Easier said than done, I know, but you’ll just make yourself crazy trying to crack this nut.

        Like

      • Breaking on said:

        Yeah you’re right, moving on is tough sometimes and can take a while, but this guy clearly had his own issues and I have to move past this situation in my life right now. I know he’s not worth the constant wondering, pondering, and feelings of confusion and sadness. Thanks again for this blog and your responses @lastmandystanding. He did tell me that people had did him wrong before in the past, but why do me wrong because I was nothing but nice to him, I still am, but I will officially cut him off and never text him again 🙂

        Like

      • Now THAT is a solid plan! 😉

        Like

  52. I am one of those guys that you’re referring to. I know I am extremely late to the dialogue, so I’ll say what I can on this. I don’t pull the disappearing act out of immaturity. However, I am not one for texting so often and I don’t like being on the phone very often.

    I work from 8-5pm. I usually would send a text in the morning say “GM, enjoy your day at work TTYL”.

    1) Because I don’t want to talk to you all day via text and then come home and talk to you again.
    2)I get off at 5 and work out by 6 and come home by 7, check mail and eat. By 8 finish up any errands I need to run. By 9, I am in the bed. I’m tired.

    This is pretty much my daily schedule. I’m not usually free by the weekend. I used to work weekends as well, so I didn’t have a whole lot of time to play.

    Saying all of this. It’s a dick move for me to not text or respond to your text. But, if I don’t see you in person as often, I kind of lose focus on you. Has nothing to do with your looks and I’m not trying to get in your pants. Because if I only text you when it’s time to smash, then you think I’m only texting you for a booty call and I don’t want that sort of conspiracy looming over your head. So, I just fall back unless we scheduled something specifically for us to link up on.

    Keep in mind: I’ve been degraded by women so part of my Houdinism comes from past rejection. Which pushes me to not allow myself to be in position to be vulnerable(work alot, Goto the Gym,etc)

    I apologize for being the Houdini you describe. I have worked on it considerably and made improvements.

    Like

    • Let me congratulate you on being the first male to ever comment on this post. Just to be clear, you are speaking in general terms, correct? The way you’ve worded it sounds like there was actually interaction between you and I, specifically, which is not the case. That being said, it sounds like if your schedule is that filled up, weekends included, why even try to date someone at all? It just doesn’t sound like your schedule would be conducive to dating. I don’t think anyone is bashing a good morning text. But if you did that for weeks and then abruptly stopped, you can see how someone might find that to be odd behavior. Or if you send a text saying “have a good day. TTYL” but never “TTYL” – same thing. And I do think it comes down to a maturity issue at some point, generally speaking. As adults, I see no reason why all of the above that you said, couldn’t be said in a few minute phone call to the person on the other end. You have your reasons, your time is otherwise occupied and not to be freed up in the foreseeable future – fair enough. I would much rather hear all of that and know where I stand with someone than the occasional insincere morsel of a sporadic text. I think most women would probably feel the same. But like my post says, eventually, anyone in this position will reach the point where they really don’t give a damn what you have to say; just have the guts to say it, whatever it is. People make time for the things they want to make time for. We all have the same 24 hours in a day. Your admittance of having done this is a credit to your character. So is admitting it’s a dick move. We all learn from past mistakes. If it helps you to not pull a dick move in a future relationship, lesson learned I suppose.

      Like

      • I think part of the reasoning of actually trying to date while not having the actual time for it is partially validation. I mean just because we don’t have time, doesn’t mean we don’t actually want a significant other. I’m a late bloomer to the game, so I came into the dating game pretty late within my career. So, there were quite a few forms of etiquette I was missing and was inconsiderate of.

        I am not one for that form of confrontation with women. So, I try to refrain from anything that’s going to put me on the offensive by telling her something that I do not feel is what needs to be heard.

        I have now switched my scheduled by changing jobs. Now, that I worked these hours, I can’t even find anyone. lol…

        Although I have learned, now I am on the receiving end of Houdini and her magic tricks. So, it can go both ways. The more we move to a digital society, the less social and connected we become.

        Like

      • I 100% agree with you there. Human connection is being replaced. And I find that very sad. Wishing you luck.

        Like

  53. Michelle A on said:

    I am heartbroken. I had two houdini cases and I just can’t understand it. After my ex asked for space he just vanished without a trance, than I meet this great guy and after a month he pulls this act too. I am left confused since the last day we texted he initiated the conversation and two days before that we spent a wonderful day in the park ..What is going on in this guys’s heads? ..

    Like

  54. the actual accuracy of this entire post is insane! im going through this same thing right now, word for word what you have said, and its absolutely infuriating! (but also a little heartbreaking and i’ve been going through a bit of crying) why dont they understand that they could literally just say ‘I’m not really in to you anymore’ and that would be totally fine rather than just cutting off completely with no warning???
    thank you so much for writing this, at least I know im not the only one! :((

    Like

  55. I have had a Whodini. He changed his mind about coming to see me on last Wednesday. He hasn’t called me since. But, just today liked a couple of my new photos on Facebook.

    Like

  56. First of all, I’d like to thank the author and all the lovely people that have left the comments.
    Reading through this has made me feel at ease,as I have just had the worst Houdini in my life (and I’ve had a few).
    So this guy met him online,started talking to him on the phone on a daily basis, for hours every day.
    All lasted for about 6 weeks,I was over the moon as he seemed like the Prince charming, the connection was super deep and we were planning our first date soon.
    Not to mention, I was into him head over heels, we were planning future together, telling each other about ourselves and sharing an awful lot of secrets..
    Night before the date the Guy vanishes.
    Poof.
    I,of course,got worried, if everything is fine, sent a few messages throughout the day-messages are read,no reply.
    Phoned him a few times-phone’s on, call going through, nobody picks up.
    Later on,this guy is online and liking things on insta and fb…
    So I got the picture.
    Of course, at the beginning, I was very upset,sad, you name it.
    All my imaginary world and marriage with a bunch of kiddos collapsed.
    But then I had a drink and think about it.
    Now,normally I’m very quick to blame myself for any failures I experience.
    But this time I was being realistic (enough of attacking myself).
    Now,I’m not trying to show off here or anything, but I am a full time model with extra long hair, + by my opinion, decent face and good assets from Mother Nature.
    I don’t smoke, drink or use drugs.
    I am very well mannered and my IQ is above the average.
    And I’m not a psycho.
    So finally,for once,by analyzing myself,I realise – ITS NOT MY FAULT!
    The Houdini is in the wrong!
    And actually,all of them are!
    So girls, it doesn’t matter, how old you are, what you look like, what figure you have, what is your personality- there is a Houdini for every one of us.
    And please stop blaming yourselves, it wasn’t you.. It was this disrespectful,low,twisted man,who screwed up.
    And was too much of a coward to tell you in the face.
    Don’t delete him off your fb- just choose in the options to hide posts from him- and keep on being fabulous.
    And make sure he sees it.
    I promise, he will crawl back to receive his well earned spit in the face 🙂 But by then you will be over him and he won’t even matter.. xx

    Like

  57. Katie on said:

    I was thinking I’m so strange that I remembered every single words we have said, and remember every single details on our dates… I hate to have such good memories in things like that… Now I know I’m normal… but one thing that’s different is, we were officially dating long distant, we had no arguments, we were going to see each other in a month’s time, and then all the sudden, he’s gone as if he’s dead… We are not connected on FB nor any social media, no matter how much I’ve improved myself, he won’t know.

    It’s been over 2 weeks and I still couldn’t adjust myself… They say time is the best medicine, I just hope this medicine doesn’t take this long

    Like

  58. Olivia on said:

    Oh God thank you I found this!You made things much easier for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  59. You are a mirror me. Thanks for your words of wisdom.

    Liked by 1 person

  60. The Reason Why We Do such Act is, Because We Actually Want to Get Rid Of The Emotional Attachment With Her.

    All the Guys Who Stopped Communicating With The Girl Have Started Liking The Girl too much, And Also Noticed The Fact She does Not Gives A Damn, And Wont Give A Damn About What We Think About Her.

    So Its Better To Shut Down Whatsoever Kind Of Friendship That We Are Having Before We Fall In Love With Her Or Get Too Used To spending Time with Her.

    And Once we Start Loving Her, And if She says No, We are Dead…only alive for the sake of living.

    To Avoid This Deadly Crappy Feeling, I Stopped Communicating. As Any Way She Wasn’t Giving Me Any Much Response.

    Like

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