lastmandystanding

Mother. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Blogger. Aspiring writer. Smartass. But you'll probably still want to be my friend.

Archive for the category “Dating Advice from a pseudo-expert”

The “Houdini” – #1 of a multi-part series. (I’m totally calling you out, Mr. Magic Man)

Single ladies – beware of the Houdini – he wears many faces.

 

Single men – If this is you, KNOCK IT OFF.

 

This is the first in a series of introductions to the men that are out there in the dating pool. I’m sure there’s a female equivalent for most of these, but I don’t date them, so I can’t talk about them.  

 

I like to call this first guy “Houdini”.

 

This is the guy who starts out being super attentive, calling, texting, etc. He is blowing up your phone with all his contact.  Mr. Totally Into You.  You’ll have a few dates, maybe even several.  Things are really clicking with this guy.  If you’re like me, you’re (almost) cautiously optimistic at this point. By this time, you’ve likely become Facebook friends, but have kept it very casual. Your friends keep catching you with a bad case of perma-grin whenever you read one of his texts, etc.

(*note: this Houdini might also be someone you’ve known for a while but never really in a dating capacity, and he suggests the two of you should date and you actually buy into it)  

 

This is right about the time when (hesitantly) you start to tell friends and family about how great things are. “This guy is different”.  When someone asks if you’re seeing anyone, you probably answer with “well…kinda, sorta…maybe…?” You might even start psyching yourself up to the fact that there might actually be some potential here. You start envisioning lazy Sunday afternoons being spent together swinging in a hammock in the summer breeze, movie night, snuggled up with popcorn and your favorite candy (which he has memorized and sweetly keeps stashed for you at his place).

 

Just when you’ve got a little extra pep in your step, a little more wind in your sails, the corners of your mouth take a turn upward….

 

POOF!! – he disappears.

And you’re left feeling like an audience of one waiting for his mind-boggling re-appearance.

 

Here’s a little breakdown of how this plays out (at least for ME):

 

My first instincts are very motherly (and self-preserving): (“Oh my God – I hope he’s ok…what if he got in a wreck? I haven’t met his friends yet so no one would know to call and tell me! How would I know? Oh, I hope Mr. Wonderful is alright. It figures – I meet the perfect guy and now he’s dead.”) <– There’s the self-preservation. That’s the only logical explanation for someone to stop talking to me suddenly and without warning. Death. It’s the only thing that makes any kind of sense (and ultimately, perhaps the better alternative for him).

 

Then (if we’re friends on Facebook) — I see that dreaded post/comment/”like” —  or recent new friendship. With another female.  

 

Ok…he’s not dead. Mildly comforting, but it confuses me and pisses me off at the same time.

 

It makes sense now.  Is my freaking phone working?!? Maybe I look like the a-hole! Maybe he’s been texting me and I haven’t gotten them, so I haven’t replied, and he’s wondering the same thing! (Admittedly, I have called or texted my sister and said “text me” – to make sure I can send and receive one.)

 

Dammit. Phone works.

 

Because I’m female and have an impeccable memory, I replay the mental DVR that is everything I have said and done throughout the entire course of this pseudo-relationship. Sure, I’m a little bit crazy (good crazy). Every good chick is. But I haven’t even scratched that surface yet, so that’s not it. And I’m cool as $hit. Who wouldn’t want to talk to me?

 

The pep has left my step. The wind has left my sails. The corners of my mouth are no longer turned upward.

 

I fancy myself a very intuitive, insightful type.  I can detect BS-ery from a mile away. So when I am caught off-guard by such magic tricks, it really pisses me off.

 

For the sake of closure, of course I would like to know WHY.  I might even ask him WHY. — Nothing. No reply at all.

 

I will then inevitably (and rather quickly) reach the point of not giving a damn WHAT he has to say, and just wish he would find his testicles and the decency to just SAY IT. I would accept any of the following:

  • ·        I don’t like you.
  • ·        I really do like you but I’m scared of how I feel.
  • ·        I can’t stand you.
  • ·        You’re not skinny/pretty/rich enough.
  • ·        I found someone better.
  • ·        I just can’t see anyone right now.
  • ·        Go to hell, Mandy.
  • ·        I’m an immature a-hole.

 

My whole shock/denial/anger/acceptance/moving on to better things process is a few days, tops. Unless I really, REALLY like him…then I am allowed to re-visit every stage as often as I’d like.  

 

Unless and until the time that this magic man offers up some shred of an explanation – he will remain dead…just like the real Houdini.  But I am an extremely forgiving person. If an apology is offered, an apology I will accept.

 

Aside from the fact that people find this kind of behavior (with anyone) to be acceptable, the thing I find most interesting in all this, is that for every instance in which this has happened to me – the guy NEVER un-friends me on Facebook. Not once. And just to keep things interesting, I don’t usually un-friend them either. I relish in the moments when I can bask in the glory of being the bigger person.

 

I have since adopted a strict policy against dating magicians. I have also adopted the “it’s your loss” philosophy. I’ve shortened the shock/denial/anger/acceptance/moving on to better things process down to mere hours instead of days.

 

Ladies – there’s no real way to see this one coming. You just have to know how to deal with him. If he wants to disappear – LET HIM.

 

Guys – please know that if you do this, it really only makes you look cowardly and legitimately a little insane. You want to do some magic? Make us feel like the only woman in a crowded room of people.

 

 

 

 

 

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