Mother. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Blogger. Aspiring writer. Smartass. Sometimes I say funny things.

Archive for the category “Pipe Dreams”

When I’m in charge of Facebook…

As a life-long people watcher and mental note-taker, I am endlessly entertained by some of the crap people say and do on Facebook. However, I would like to make just a few little tweaks here and there – you know, keep it real, spice things up a bit, up the entertainment factor. This is just scratching the surface, but I would institute the following changes – pronto.

1. Everyone* will be limited to 3 posts per day – MAXIMUM.

This is being extremely generous. Some people should be limited to 3 per week or calendar month.

 {*I am exempt from this rule, because a) I have a lot of cool stuff to say, and b) I hypothetically run Facebook, I can do whatever I want.}

2. If you make 3 consecutive posts about all of your self-imposed drama/turmoil in your life or you‘re having a private argument in the most public of places, posting privileges are revoked for 1 week so you can cool your jets.

Deal with your personal stuff, personally – out of the public eye. The status update window says “What’s on Your Mind?” – NOT “Dear Diary…”

3. Posting between the hours of 1:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m. will be strictly prohibited.

Anything good going on between those hours should be kept to yourself. Everything else – you’ll regret in the morning.

4. There WILL be a dislike button. There will also be all of the following buttons:

  • Don’t care.
  • I call BS.
  • Liar
  • This was funnier the first time…when it was MY status.
  • I’m so vain, I really think this post is about me.
  • I like your status only because I like YOU but I’m a chicken and this is my way of flirting.
  • I like your status only because if I don’t, you’ll ask me why I didn’t.
  • I like your status only because I know you’ll ask me why I like it.
  • I only like this because someone else is going to see that I did.
  • That’s what she said.
  • I’m dumber after reading this status.
  • Thanks for looking like the a-hole for actually saying what everyone else is thinking.

5. Relationship statuses: There are currently 11 options. I would add the following:

For the men:

  • Emotionally stunted so this will never be serious, but I like (insert name) because she has boobies.
  • Rebounding like Rodman with (insert name)
  • (insert name)’s Sugar Daddy (and proud of it)
  • About to screw things up with (insert name) (wait – what?? How did this end up on the guys’ list??)
  • (Insert name)’s baby daddy

For the women:

  • In in for the money with (insert name)
  • (Insert name)’s mid-life crisis
  • (Insert name)’s baby mama

Single…with a twist:

  • One bad date away from switching teams*
  • Making single look GOOD*
  • A cougar on the prowl (would read like this: Susan is “a cougar on the prowl”)
  • Carefully selecting the next victim
  • Happily divorced*
  • Bringing sexy back*

(* = this may or may not describe me)

For anyone:

  • Because I didn’t get to in high school with (insert name)
  • Pretending with (insert name)
  • Flavor of the week is: (insert name)
  • Pissing off my parents with (insert name)
  • Using (insert name) to get back at my ex.
  • In it for the sex with (insert name)
  • Changing my relationship status way too soon with (insert name)
  • Having Casual Sex with (insert name) {probably followed by: and (insert name) and (insert name), etc.}
  • Disappointing my mother with (insert name)
  • Moving way too quickly with (insert name)
  • About to rush into something stupid with (insert name)
  • Home-wrecker to (insert name)
  • Making one bad decision after another with (insert name)
  • Lowering my standards with (insert name)
  • In a Relationship with (insert name) but secretly in love with (insert different name)
  • Admiring (insert name) from afar
  • Answering (insert name)’s booty calls – (probably multiple names here)
  • Calling (insert name) for booty – (same as above)
  • Fooling no one but myself with (insert name)

 6. I would also spice up the “sex” question. More than just male/female.

I would also add:

  • How Often?
  • With: (option to tag people) ß and watch the fur fly.

Oh. My. Gawd. I have schoolgirl giddiness just imagining this social utopia.

I could go all day with this. I can already tell this is a work in progress.

I’ll keep working on this one…may have enough for a volume 2. Would love to hear your suggestions for any of this too.

Thanks for reading. My next blog will be posted much sooner than this one was. (I’m a bit of a perfectionist) – that just might be the death of a baby blogger like me.


Ohhhh… almost forgot. Since we’re talking about Facebook… go there and “Like” the LastMandyStanding page!



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