I want so badly to hate you for what you did to me. To us.
I want to scream and throw things.
I want to curse your name.
I want to hate you.
I want to go back to the night we met and un-fall for you.
I want to go back to every time I found myself falling even more in love with you and stop myself from doing it.
I want to feel the sun on my face and not immediately think of you.
I want to go to a beach someday and not be heartbroken that your feet aren’t in the sand next to mine.
I want to see an eagle and not feel sadness for what it meant to us, which is now all but lost.
I want to cook while listening to music and not ache for the many times we did that together, stealing kisses…flirting.
I want to be cooking in the kitchen in my underwear, dancing, moving my hips to the music, sipping wine, oblivious to the fact that you’re staring at me, completely in my zone, and have that moment when I catch you, catching me, and have that moment of “hey… I see you… where have you been all my life?”
I want to go back and un-believe everything I ever believed about you.
I want to forget you, as if that would somehow make the hurt stop.
I know that it won’t.
I can’t un-remember.
I can’t un-feel.
I can’t turn off my feelings, as much as I wish I could.
I want to un-plan our future.
I want to un-dream our dreams.
I want to un-need you.
I want to un-want you.
I want to un-love you.
But I can’t.